Making Time Deposits

This past weekend, we went over a friend’s house. Originally, it was supposed to be an evening for my wife to gather with some other women for a book club discussion. However, when some of the women couldn’t make it and it turned out to be mostly our “covid friends group”, husbands and children were invited as well. It ended up being just a few dads and my son and one other teenage boy at the house. The women had their discussion, the dads went outside to play cornhole for a while, and the boys were playing inside. The evening progressed, it got too dark for cornhole, and the dads ended up sitting around chatting. One of the dads, leaving a little early with his wife, had read the blog post that I wrote about this being my favorite time with my teenage children and commented that he was still trying to figure the teenage years out and how he felt about them. I mentioned it to the two other dads afterwards about how I really like this age and how my son asks me almost daily to do something with him, whether it be throwing the lacrosse ball around outside, shooting hoops, or wrestling on the coarse rug in our living room. They both stopped playing their guitars they had pulled out and said almost simultaneously, “I wish we could get our son’s to do that, to spend time with us.” (All our son’s are about the same age and went through cub scouts together).

Those comments struck right at my heart in two ways; first it filled me with great appreciation for what I have with both of my children, but especially my son right now, and second, it filled me with great sorrow for my friends that they didn’t have that type of relationship with their sons. At first, I didn’t know what to say other than, “That really sucks, I’m sorry.” We talked a little more on the subject before moving on, but it seemed that they really struggled to get their sons to do anything with them, whether it be play outside or inside or help out around the house. I couldn’t imagine it, and I thought about it a lot that night and into the next day when over morning coffee with my wife, I mentioned our conversation to her and she brought up an excellent point which I hadn’t thought of. She said, “Well, that makes sense, you put in the work over many years when our children were younger.” And I never stopped. I made the decision early on in their lives that I wouldn’t overwork myself, that I would make sure I came home early to play with them, that I would pick them up from school if need by, that I would get to as many concerts or games as I could, that I would put them to bed and read them books at night. Until my wife brought up that point, I hadn’t thought about it because it was just something I did. I know the other dads were involved with their sons, but I don’t know to what extent and it seems that they didn’t get as involved as I did or something was fundamentally different. It could have been a multitude of factors.

In essence, I made the deposits of time over the years, got down and dirty with my children when I could have been at work making an extra dollar or two. But you only get one chance with your children and if you want to create the type of relationship that lasts and builds and allows you to spend time with them when they are older and more fun, you have to make the deposits early on. I don’t know if its too late to start for my friends and I don’t know what type of effort they put in now to spend time with their sons, but I have always had the mindset that its never too late to start. But maybe it is for some things. Maybe if you don’t make those early deposits of time in your children’s “parent bank”, it can be too late to draw down on those deposits and have that type of relationship later on. In my mind, its worth the continual effort. For those younger parents out there, don’t skimp on time with your children. It may suck at times when they are younger, it may not be as much fun, you may question why you left work to come home and lay in the grass pushing a stroller back and forth or to play with legos on an uncomfortable rug, but let me tell you, it pays off down the road. Keep making those deposits, keep spending the time with your children. We only get one shot at this life and of raising our children. What kind of relationship do you want with them? Do you want to avoid regrets down the road? Show them how to be a great parent, be there for them, and when the time comes, they will come to you and want to spend time with you….all because you made the deposits early on in their lives.