Two Ears, One Mouth

I love to have conversations with people, especially strangers that I have never met before. But even those that I know and have talked to hundreds of times, there is always something new to talk about and learn through having a conversation with them. I love asking questions, digging in, finding the “why” in things. There is a certain rhythm in a conversation, a back and forth that happens, that can carry me away and find me talking for potentially hours with people…if not stopped by time constraints or my wife and kids tugging at my shirt sleeve to move on. Yet, being able to have a meaningful and in depth conversation requires utilizing our ears and mouth properly. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason, so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. I often strive for that ratio, putting a pause to what I’m saying so the person I’m talking to can participate. I’m not always successful, but I’ve gotten much better at listening more than talking. Life is about learning and improving, working on ourselves a little bit every day. I strive to ask more questions now, to stop myself from droning on so I can learn more from others.

Yet, that meaningful conversation only happens when there is a give and take, when both people involved are listening as well as talking. There are a handful of people I interact with on a semi-regular basis who seem to have forgotten the part about listening. When I converse with them, they have a tendency to go on and on and on, barely pausing to breathe or allow me to ask a question. In order to get a word in, I feel I have to forcefully interrupt, which is not my style and it doesn’t feel right doing. This is a big struggle for me as it feels like I don’t get to participate and it feels more like I’m being talked to rather than talking with. These individuals I find tend to have a large base of knowledge, have many experiences to draw from, and are generally very interesting. Yet, after talking with them a number of times, the stories begin to repeat, and I can almost tell what will come next. I still listen, but after hearing a story for the 3rd or 4th time, I struggle to maintain my concentration, even though I may learn something new. There is part of me that realizes that maybe they have to tell those stories multiple times, maybe I’m the person they feel they can tell the stories to over and over again. Maybe it is part of them processing things still through those stories or their way of conveying something deeper. One thing is for certain, those individuals who have told me stories from their lives multiple times have left an impression. I remember their stories, for better or worse. Most importantly , I use them and their constant bantering as a reminder to myself to not be like them, to listen more than I talk.

When I’m talking with those that I can’t seem to get a word in with, or get cut off when I start talking, I strive to listen more deeply, to see if there is some part of a story I’ve heard multiple times that is new or more relevant to the current time. I work on myself when I’m talking with them, striving to improve my own skills, especially that of listening. I “try” to sneak in questions to clarify or probe, not always being successful. And I do learn new things about them at times, and I definitely add to my bucket of skills that will carry me through life. On the flip side, there are times if I see them, and I know I’m not in the mood to engage, I will avoid them. It takes a certain amount of effort at times to engage with them knowing that I won’t get much of a chance to talk myself or share anything about me or what I’m doing. Yet, such is life. Life is about learning to deal with all sorts of individuals, the talkers and the silent ones, all of them people we can learn from. This isn’t to say I won’t listen to a story 15 times from a person, I just enjoy the opportunity to get a few words in myself. So as we got about in our day to day lives, and I must remind myself of this constantly, let us remember that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, to listen more than we talk. What kind of conversationalist are you? Do you ask questions and listen? Or are you a talker who goes on and on without stopping? Let us all consider those we are conversing with and what we can learn from them by listening a little more and talking a little less.