Damn Phones

In the town we live in, as I’m sure in many towns and cities across the country, although I hope not the world, the disturbing trend continues of giving young children smart phones. I mentioned a few days ago that the remaining friends of my daughter, upon graduation from sixth grade on the cusp of middle school, all received smart phones. Most of the children in her grade have had phones for years now, some even getting them upon entering first grade. Whether for actual communication with friends, which is mind boggling to me, or to keep them entertained, I find it incredibly disturbing. To put these powerful computers in the hands of children not even capable of understanding their full capabilities or the addiction it will create within them, is abhorrent. I understand that parents think they are doing their children a favor in ways, keeping them up to speed with technology, giving them what they want, not letting them feel left out amongst their peers, however, I feel the downside to all this is far worse than the benefits. All the pressure to keep up with your peers, to have what they have and to become as many adults are these days, eyes glued perpetually to their phones to the oblivion of all else is insane.

Needless to say, my daughter will not be getting a phone till at the very least high school, so a couple more years. Even then, we will revisit the idea and really determine if its necessary or not. So I’m writing this today because my daughter, who loves playing outside, is a little social butterfly, loves spending time with friends, but also can dive deep into a book for hours on end, did not have a good day yesterday. The past two days, she hung out with a good friend of hers who was one of the girls to finally get a smartphone last Friday. She hung out with her on Monday at our house and they read books, made bracelets, chatted, played, and did all the things young girls do. Yet, even on Monday, her friend was more active on her new phone. Yesterday, she switched it up and went over her friend’s house where everything seemed to be the opposite of the way it was Monday. None of the hands on activities transpired, instead, they watched a movie, my daughter tried to engage with her, but within that short time frame, the addiction of the smartphone screen took hold and sucked her friend in. Not only is she glued to her phone, she is also calling friends and somehow convincing them and whoever is watching them to meet her places, like the town library or the track around the community center. All the while, my daughter was trying to get her to put the phone down, get her to play games or just talk, all with little success. I feel bad for my daughter that she has to deal with this, but to just cave and get her a phone is not the answer either. Luckily she is a strong girl.

A few years ago in fourth grade, my daughter had to write an opinion piece, and she chose why she should have a phone. To her benefit, all the reasons she gave were valid ones like navigation, emergency calls, and research. She knew then that she wasn’t getting a phone and was fine with it, and even now, she understands why she isn’t getting one and will even admit that she doesn’t need one as all her friends have one so in case of an emergency, she will have access to one to make a phone call. We have explained our reasoning behind not getting her a phone and she, for her age, is readily understanding of those reasons. The biggest reason for not getting her a phone is the addiction aspect followed closely by the fact that girls like to bully each other on social media and through their phones. At her stage of development, she does not need the extra exposure to potential bullying and addiction to a screen that all her friends are now being exposed to. She is a strong girl, but we want her develop her strengths in the real world and in actual conversation with others, not across some medium that will suck her in, cave her neck downward, and take her attention away from what really matters, her friends and family in front of her and the beautiful real world outside.

My daughter is outgoing (even though she used to be a shy little girl years ago), and is a chatter box when you get around her. She will readily tell me about her day without asking, pull me outside to throw the lacrosse ball around or play basketball, and is so full of life that I could not see getting her a phone at this time. Monday when her friend came over our house, I had not yet left for work, and her friend comes up to me and says, “Your daughter needs a phone,” so I responded with, “Why?”

“Well, she is going to be gone for a few weeks this summer and I’m going to have to text her things and talk to her,” came the response.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait till you see her, the answer is no, she is not getting a phone.”

Later on that day after her friend was long gone, my daughter came up to me and said, “Dad, just so you know, I didn’t ask her to try and convince you to get me a phone, she just did that on her own.”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t think you did,” and then I gave her a nice big hug which she reciprocated and that was that.