Visions of the Future

I’m sure at some point we have all either heard a parent say or maybe even said it ourselves, the statement “I knew my son/daughter would grow up to have that job” or “I had a hunch that they would do that with their lives” or something along those lines. I’ve heard numerous parents utter phrases like that, as if they could see the future or actually persuaded their children to follow interests that maybe they had. I was thinking about this the other day, contemplating the trajectory that my son is currently on, and realized that I don’t think I ever had a vision of what my son would become or what he would be like. I’ve watched him grow from a young boy fascinated with history, exceptional at doing math in his head, and an avid reader who excelled in school, to a teenager who because of his smarts, has become lazy in the subjects he doesn’t like, has dropped down a level in some classes, and is now fascinated with any class or work that involves using his hands. That’s the thing with kids, we never know how they are going to turn out, and I still don’t know how my son, or for that matter my daughter will turn out. (I’m talking more about my son right now as he is almost halfway through high school).

I’m glad that I never looked too far ahead with my children, never tried to “see” what they would be like, what their interests would be, or how they would turn out. I’ve always held them in the present, enjoying them as they are right now, not yesterday or tomorrow, but right now. This is the only version of them that I know, and when I focus on them as they are, it brings more joy to me seeing them be themselves, explore their interests as they morph and change, and grow from the babies they seemed to be yesterday into the young adults they are currently becoming. I feel that if I did have some preconceived notion of how I wanted them to turn out or what they should be based on their interests as children, I would have either nothing but disappointment, or frustration that they weren’t doing what I expected. There is a freedom that comes as a parent when expectations are not placed on children and they are allowed to explore their interests as they change and grow. It is a wonderful freedom and every so often I ponder why more parents can’t just let their children be who they want to be without pushing them one way or another. There is nothing worse to me than watching parents nudge and prod their children to the point where their children either become little assholes or become so unlike themselves that they are unrecognizable. Neither suits them.

To see both my children now, changing their minds about things almost every season, makes their lives fascinating and full of surprises. My son has gone through a variety of sports, thought he found his niche last year with wrestling, but pivoted again this year realizing he doesn’t like the competition aspect so he will carry on as the manager for the wrestling team and just work out with them on the side. On my daughter’s end, my little artist who played soccer years ago when she was little and then participated in no sports for years, has taken to volleyball over the summer and when she didn’t make the team in middle school, hopped right over to cross country and loved it. I never would have seen either change in my son or daughter, but I lamented neither because when they made their choices, they were happy and I supported them. That’s all the our children really need, our support and encouragement, and of course our discipline as parents when they don’t behave, but luckily, if we put the hard work early, it gets easier as they get older (so far). And I was surprised again today when I asked my son to go split some wood with the log splitter, and when I was coming home from picking up my daughter, there he was, operating the log splitter like a pro. I don’t want to see the future, I don’t want to pretend I know what my children will do or what they will be like. I like them just the way they are right now, in the present, and if they change, I will love them for who they are then. But for now, the future doesn’t exist until we get there, so I will live with them now and enjoy them as they are.