Permission to Fail

Failure happens, sometimes a lot, and it will invariably happen to all of us at some point. Failure is not a bad thing as long as we learn from it, pick ourselves up, and try again or pivot to something new. As long as we try our best, failure is sometimes just a by-product and something we all need to learn to overcome. So why do so many parents these days seek to get their children to achieve top grades all the time, eliminating as much failure as possible? We have seen it from an early age with friends of our children, how their parents constantly check grades, constantly sit and push them to complete all their homework, study diligently, and remain a hovering force to ensure success. We have never done that, as hard as it may be to watch our kids slip and falter. That isn’t to say we don’t care and we don’t remind them of their responsibilities with school, but at the end of the day, they need to find the motivation and desire themselves to do the work and get the grades they want. Its not about us, but about them learning to do what needs to get done without us standing over their shoulder.

Its not always easy to do, especially when our son slacks off, decides he doesn’t want to do certain assignments, and consequently tanks his grade. But, he has improved since freshman year. Progress has been made and he now gets upset when he misses things and his grades slip rather than just brushing it off and making excuses. We simply remind him of things, don’t harp on anything, and let him navigate his classes, homework, and tests. Its definitely a test of our patience, but we feel it will be worth it in the end. Our daughter is the opposite, always striving to complete everything, even if the work load has grown exponentially since she has entered middle school. We also played no part in that, she found her inner desire to do well and succeed on her own. What a difference between boys and girls, desire and motivation, and how they interact with school and grades. Yet they both in their own way are figuring it out with us as support figures in the background.

While I say we played no part in how they are now, that wouldn’t be entirely true. We did model successful behavior, even if we didn’t harp on it. We modeled a good work ethic, even if we didn’t push them to work harder themselves. Sometimes when they struggle, it feels as if we didn’t do something right, but then they come to talk to us about it, remedy the situation, and grow from it. We won’t know how this experiment of parenting will turn out for a number of years yet, but it seems to be a success so far. They are learning to fail, learning how to pick up the pieces and move forward, and also learning how to succeed. Sometimes after a failure, success tastes a lot sweeter. I only hope they continue learning to fail so that they can succeed even more spectacularly than they already are.